Rob stood over his two-foot putt on the 17th green at Red Hills, the noon sun beating down on his slowly but now undeniably spreading bald patch, wondering if he needed to get some Viagra. Carefully setting aside the thought for a moment, he took two quick warm up strokes, tapped the ball, and then watched it roll a good six or eight inches past the cup.
"Damn," he said wearily. "That was for par."
His friend Raj stood watching a few feet away. "Man, that sucks. Your approach shot to the hole was amazing. Bummer that you couldn’t finish it off."
"Tell me about it," said Rob. "It’s the story of my life these days. And I don’t mean just golf."
"Whatdya mean?" asked Raj.
"Look," said Rob, after finally sinking the putt and retrieving his ball. "You’re a friend, which is why I’m telling you this. But Maggie and I, well…actually, just I, have been having some trouble in the bedroom. You know…finishing the job."
"You’re kiddin’ me?" asked Raj as they got into their cart and sped toward the next tee. "Guy like you? You’re only 50, right?"
Rob looked down and fiddled with his golf glove. "Right. Still, lately, my performance has been below par, which in this case is not a good thing. You’re in pharma, right? What do you know about Viagra? Do you think it could help?"
"Hey, I just work on the IT side," Raj answered. "So you know as much about Viagra as I do. Most of my Viagra knowledge comes from the spam in my email. You know: ‘Cheap Viagra for Longer, Harder Nights,’ ‘Order Viagra Now!’, ‘Viagra Home Delivery,’ and all that.
"Yeah, I know what you mean." Rob paused, and then probed a bit further. "Have you had any problems that like with Mira?"
"Well, there have been a few times when I had a drink or two more than I should have. It was late, and I sort of….ya know…crashed. I don’t think even Viagra could have saved me then!"
"Right," said Rob. "But other than that, you and Mira are pretty OK?"
"Actually," said Raj as he teed up on 18, "you won’t believe it. It’s like she’s always ready for it, even when I’m the one who’s too tired. Honestly, I don’t know where she finds the energy, between the kids and all the extra work she’s putting in these days. Sometimes I feel like I need Viagra just to keep up with her."
"Well, I’ve been a bit worn out, too, lately. Maybe Viagra would help get me going," Rob wondered.
"Maybe it’s not about Viagra," Raj suggested. "Maybe you guys just need to get away from it all for a few days."
"We tried that, remember? We dropped Olivia at Maggie’s parents and went up to the country for a long weekend. Just the two of us at the cabin, sky full of stars, a huge, full moon hanging over the lake. Some wine, a crackling fire…very romantic."
"And?" Raj asked.
Rob winced a little and then replied. "Turned out the moon was the only thing that was huge and full that night!"
"Oh, man, that’s awful!" Raj groaned.
Just as Rob was getting ready to hit his ball, a golf cart came barreling across the fairway about 50 yards ahead of them. The two young men in the cart, about 25 or so, appeared to be looking for a lost ball, but in the process were zigzagging around and making more noise than is generally acceptable on the golf course. One of the men was drinking a beer, while the other was singing, loud and quite poorly.
"Look at those guys," said Rob. "I’ll bet anything they’re not wondering about whether or not they need Viagra."
"Don’t be so sure," said Raj. "Some younger guys, I’ve heard, take Viagra just for fun, to give themselves an extra boost, even if they don’t really need it."
"Could be. And speaking of that," Rob continued, "did you hear about Viagra being used to treat infants that have some life-threatening lung condition? Viagra’s actually saved a few lives this way, I think."
"Yes, I did see something about that," Raj replied. "And by the way, that reminds me of something else I read recently about Viagra. Some study found that Viagra helped reduce the effects of jet lag in hamsters!"
"Hey, that’s great news for all those hamster business travelers out there. I wonder if Mrs. Hamster is reaping the rewards as well."
"Kind of tough when her husband is flying off somewhere all the time, right?"
Rob and Raj laughed and walked onto the green to finish of their round.
"Kidding aside," said Raj, "maybe you should talk to your doctor first, and make sure everything’s OK down there. Who knows, maybe he will suggest Viagra. Look, so many people are buying it, so obviously Viagra works. And not just for hamsters."
"You’re probably right," said Rob as he tapped in his final shot of the day. "My putting game is bad enough on its own. I could do without any more distractions."
Continued. Read Part III of ED Blues here.
