Summary: Sometimes a cigar is just a cigar, but other times… well, it’s a penis. Take a look at ten of the stranger penile artifacts from ancient cultures around the world.
By: Roger Goodwin
10. Tower of Power
The ancient Egyptians did not mess around, and this impressive obelisk is proof positive that size has always mattered.
9. Hard of Glass
This obsidian phallus from Mongolia dates back to 5,000 BC and is almost 11" long, sans testes. If this is representative of the average ancient Mongolian nomadic male, it’s no wonder China built a great wall to keep them out.
8. Wing and a Prayer …and a rock-hard penis
This happy little guy was discovered in a temple of Dionysus in Greece. Contemporary society does not often look upon the penis as angelic, but who are we to judge the civilization that gave us politics?
7. Dickhead
This 14th century Japanese tengu is thought by archeologists to be the source of the phrase, "Sit on my face and tell me if you love me."
6. Surf’s Up!
This happy fellow is a dol hareubang. He and others like him can be found on Jeju Island, just south of Korea. Men of Jeju island are not comfortable wearing speedos to beaches that host dol hareubang.
5. Ding Dong
Those ancient Greeks had a real love for penis dogs. Let’s just hope that this particular mobile was not used to help ancient Greek babies go to sleep. Today’s parents would not want dreams of that dancing in their heads.
4. Totem of Affection
The Dogon people of southern Mali were just one of many cultures to use phallic imagery to represent fertility. This particular gentleman, however, is not a fetish object but a derogatory effigy of a local magistrate of the era who opposed the Timbuktu to Djenné cow path (that’s an ancient Mali joke that had ‘em rolling in the aisles during the Songhai Empire).
3. Speed Bump
The Ancient Indians were the originators of many cultural phenomena, like martial arts, written language, and the foundations of many world religions. Like many other ancient cultures, they also liked to make giant stone penises.
2. Very, VERY Glad to See You
Fukurokuju (try saying that three times in front of your grandma) is Chinese deity who represents the virtue of wisdom. It would not be wise to place this on a chair and then forget that you had done so.
1. Weiner Dog
Syracuse in ancient Greece was known as "the greatest Greek city and the most beautiful of them all." The ancient Syracusians must have been masters of Public Relations, as is evident in our not referring to their fair metropolis as "The place where the people are obsessed with that penis-tailed penis dog with the really big penis."
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