Ah, the 1700s! The age of frock coats and frilly shirts, witty banter and wigs. And amazingly, this was also the age of Levitra. The erectile dysfunction drug is even mentioned in the diaries of Thomas Jefferson as he sought out allies in France for the American Revolution:
"June, 1774. Took Levitra last night before pleasuring a French lady of the most distinctive breeding and with a charming musical laugh – but armpits that needed a lawnmower. Drank later with Ben Franklin, who opposes me on crucial constitutional issues, but I’ve decided the best way to deal with him politically is to tell everyone he’s gay."
Historians now admit that the Age of Enlightenment stems from women realizing they should no longer answer honestly when men ask, "Was it good for you?" and men should stop telling the truth when women ask, "What are you thinking?" At least one modern scholar would dub the 1770s the "Age of Levitra". (This scholar would later go on to name the 1970s the "Age of Fonzie".)
More reputable historians write that the greatest lover of all time, Casanova of Venice, was the first man to order Levitra as a treatment for erectile dysfunction. He was also the first man in Venice to bring a woman to orgasm under a hoop skirt but that’s an anecdote for another time.
More reputable historians write that the greatest lover of all time, Casanova of Venice, was the first man to order Levitra as a treatment for erectile dysfunction. He was also the first man in Venice to bring a woman to orgasm under a hoop skirt but that’s an anecdote for another time.
In Which Casanova Tackles Erectile Dysfunction… and a Gondola
Scholars are unsure exactly what was the cause of Casanova’s erectile dysfunction. Some say that considering how Venice stinks, it would be a challenge to get it up while making love in a gondola. Others have evidence that after an infamous three-day drinking bout, a bleary-eyed Casanova injured himself trying to make love to a gondola, and the resulting splinters were horrific. The gondola, which puffed out cigarette smoke afterwards and settled deeper into the canal waters, was put on display outside Tortelli’s House of Pancakes.
This dilemma of erectile dysfunction and the search for a reliable ED treatment would simultaneously be Casanova’s greatest challenge and his most famous victory. It was during the famous summer of 1778, when people were complaining how Mozart was doing a lot of "trippy" concept albums which weren’t as good as his old stuff. It was also the summer Voltaire stayed as a house guest at Casanova’s.
In Which Voltaire Brings Word Of Levitra
Voltaire was full of gossip from England about fresh apothecary treatments like Levitra, Viagra, and Cialis, plus the amazing news that English people had finally realized they ought to brush their teeth.
"I droop, sir," Casanova whined bitterly to Voltaire. "I droop and cannot stand fast when a lady’s call to pleasure her is raised in my direction."
Voltaire, known throughout the continent as the wittiest man in Europe, put down his hash pipe and replied: "You really are a pompous slut, aren’t you? Look, you foppish jackass, if you order Levitra – that is, send a gondola-gram to the nearest chemist’s for a treatment – you’ll be slamming wood harder than those boats out there. Erectile dysfunction, be damned!"
"But can Levitra help me with that damned British economist, Adam Smith?" asked Casanova. "Every year he comes to Venice bitching about supply and demand of prostitutes, and preaching capitalism. We go to the whorehouses together, and he shouts from the next room, ‘Expansion! Expansion!’ It gets me nervous."
"Oh, the whorehouses in England are worse!" declared Voltaire. "Every time the English see something big, they want to nationalize it. Now look here. I know Adam Smith takes Viagra, but a single dose of Levitra could change everything. As they say… change is good. You’ll be fine on your next whoring run."
"I hope so," sniffed Casanova. "I’m booked to commit adultery with twelve wives next week."
Just then, a Jehovah’s Witness knocked on the door, and Casanova and Voltaire both chose to celebrate the triumph of logic over erectile dysfunction by dunking the man’s head in the canal.
"Freedom of religion, freedom of speech, freedom to order Levitra!" they shouted as they strolled through the Piazza San Marco. A supportive mob raised them on their shoulders, which Voltaire remarked was a lucky break, since the non-supportive mobs usually brandished torches and carried you off to the Inquisition.
Voltaire confirmed that even at his advanced age, he knew Levitra worked, because he was felt up seven times as they were carried through the streets. On each occasion, he satisfied his groper with an outraged slap and surprised himself with a firm erection.
Just then, however, Don Juan, Casanova’s shorter, balding and love-handled rival, ran across the cobbles, waving his fencing foil and complaining about Casanova’s love handling. "Casanova! I demand a duel! I know that your epic poem, There Once Was A Girl From Nantucket, is really a political criticism of me!"
"Actually, it’s about Protestantism – and about your small dick," answered Casanova, wiping his mouth with a lace handkerchief. "But if you want to take it politically, sure. By the way, I see you finally have a long pointy thing," he sneered, pointing at Don Juan’s sword.
Furious, Juan challenged Casanova to a marathon of bedding the most beautiful women in Venice. This prompted the ever-witty Voltaire to remark that Don Juan would be safer with the challenge of a pie-eating contest, since he was destined to bed only coyote-ugly bowsers. "Now we will see the true power of Levitra!" he whispered to Casanova. "I shall write you a great poem in couplets – seeing as though you’ll be couplet-ing."
At the appointed hour, Casanova and Don Juan both arrived at the chosen brothel. As the hours wore on, there was much bonking and moaning and writing of couplets. But the effectiveness of Levitra really proved itself when Casanova bedded the Rothschild triplets while being spanked with a riding crop by Madame Defarge.
Voltaire pronounced this charming tableau "Cool" while a sweaty, doughy and limp Don Juan staggered from the boudoir and was run over by a horse and carriage. At this, Voltaire raised a champagne glass high in one hand, and a Levitra prescription in the other, shouting, "The Age of Reason has begun!"
But then he spied Madame Defarge playing with her riding crop and said, "Wait a minute, screw that. Let’s do the Age of Leather first!"
