The Old West! This was Levitra Country. Levitra Country was just down the road from Marlboro Country, where men smoked camels and rode tall in the saddle – mostly because of horrible chafing.
Levitra Country would soon become famous for the lawmaking of Sheriff Stud Larson. Larson had already cleaned up the towns of Tombstone, Arizona, Frigid Bottom, Texas, Floppy Wrist, California, and had moved on to Limp Carrot, Wyoming. And Levitra would help write his legend.
Erectile Dysfunction: Less Than High Nooners
Erectile dysfunction had spread over the land around Limp Carrot. Well, actually, fertilizer had spread over the land around Limp Carrot since Zeke McAllister’s manure wagon turned over in a high-speed collision.
But due to erectile dysfunction, business was down at Miss Charlotte’s Brothel and Finishing School for Girls, as well as Miss Gwendolyn’s Brothel and Ice Cream Parlor and Miss September’s Brothel and Temple for Lost Souls, which was competing with the Salvation Army.
"Erectile dysfunction!" cackled desperado Nikolaj Grunwald. "Mwooh-ha-ha-ha! Erectile dysfunction!" He was the worst of the bandits from Denmark, the so-called Great Danes of the Old West.
For months, he had got the men of Limp Carrot hooked on his thick, gooey breakfast pastries that clogged their arteries, resulting in fewer and less satisfying sessions at the Ice Cream Parlor and Temple for Lost Souls, which in turn made Miss Gwendolyn and Miss September very unhappy, since they charged by the hour and not by the girl. Erectile dysfunction was ruining this proud, illiterate backwater of inbred hicks.
"What can we do?" asked Mayor Thurgood Awestruck at a secret town meeting. "Grunwald and his bandits have all the roads blocked to discount pharmacies outside of town! We need ED treatments! We need Levitra prescriptions!"
"We could use an online pharmacy to order discount Levitra!" suggested Miss Charlotte brightly.
The town’s newspaper editor leaned back and groaned. "Darlin’, you ever try to pull up a whole web page through a telegraph signal? We haven’t even got our first fax machine yet. T’aint gonna happen! Besides, if we get discount Levitra we’re liable to get something that ain’t reliable or safe as a prescription treatment."
"What we need is a new sheriff," said Mayor Awestruck. "Someone who can bring Levitra treatments to us. What about the Man With No Name?"
"Unlisted number," replied the editor.
"Perv Johnson?" suggested the Mayor.
"Married his prize Holstein cow last August," said the editor.
"Who’s left?"
"Stud Larson," replied the editor. "They call him the Levitra Lasso. If anyone can take down Grunwald, it’s him. He’s the treatment we need."
The Levitra Lasso
A telegraph was sent, and two days later, a mysterious stranger rode into town. He was tall – tall and chiseled like the proud blue mountains of Montana. And he was handsome – handsome in a masculine, rugged way and not at all cute and girly like those cowboys from San Francisco. This was Stud Larson, whose silver spurs shone in the sun and whose gold belt buckle spelled out his creed: Levitra.
The Mayor stepped up to shake his hand. "Larson, I’m Awestruck."
"I’m sure you are," replied Larson. "But never mind that, I hear you have an erectile dysfunction problem in this town."
"We need you, Sheriff," pleaded the Mayor. "We need the Levitra Lasso! Half this town can’t get it up, and the other half can’t read their prescription labels anyway."
Larson took off his ten-gallon hat and poured five gallons out of it, instantly feeling better. He wiped the sweat from his brow and declared, "Wherever there are men flaccid and weak, I’m there to bolster their spirits and hand out prescription pills. Wherever there is injustice and women cry out in frustration instead of crying out in girlish squeals, I’m there with my six-guns – usually shooting the creeps in the back, because hey, it’s easier."
"Larson, will you do it?" asked the Mayor. "Will you take down Grunwald?"
Stud clapped his thigh with angry resolve. Then he clapped the Mayor’s thigh in angry resolve. The Mayor took two steps back as Larson said, "This Great Dane sounds like he’s more bark than bite. Yes, I’ll do it. And this town will have a free flow of Levitra again – as long as you validate my parking."
"Good!" cried Awestruck. "If you need us, we’ll all be hiding in a cowardly fashion behind closed shutters and locked doors."
For a Fistful of Levitra: The Showdown
The town grew ominously quiet. Tumbleweeds blew by. At Miss Charlotte’s Finishing School, the girls tried to comfort each other’s nerves 
with an erotic pillow fight. But out on the street, death waited in the barrels of six-shooters and in the golden shine of a Levitra belt buckle.
"Larson!" yelled Grunwald.
"Grunwald!" growled Larson. "I’m here to fill you full of lead."
"Is that so?" laughed the Dane. "Why don’t you say hello to my little friend!" And he lifted his new Gatling gun that he got online, cheap, from Sears-Roebuck.
"Oh, uh, hey, did I say fill you with lead?" said Larson quickly. "I meant love! I meant fill you with love, man, seriously, it’s all about the love. That’s why I’ve got this Levitra belt buckle here."
"I know you’re here to give these men firmer and longer-lasting ee-rec-syions!" barked Grunwald.
"Firmer and longer-lasting what?"
"Ee-rec-syions, ee-rec-syions!" yelled Grunwald. "Erections! Okay? You want to give them erections!"
"Well, not personally, no," replied Larson. "But Levitra can definitely help them with erectile dysfunction and you’re in their way! You think that machine gun will help you? I can take you out with one shot even further away than this! Go ahead, back up."
Grunwald laughed maniacally and did. "A little further," called Larson. "A little further…"
"Here?" asked Grunwald. And just then, the 5:20 express from Tombstone chugged through and flattened the Danish into a pancake.
Erectile dysfunction was a thing of the past in Limp Carrot. That evening, the town was alive again with cheers for Larson, screams of ecstasy, and blazing saddles. Levitra could be purchased at reasonable prices, and Sheriff Stud Larson rode off in the distance for his next assignment in the town of Faking It, Oregon.
