Country music is all about pain – truck loads of foreclosures, locusts in spring, "she gone left me while I accidentally branded myself" pain. And Tramadol is all about pain relief. So it only makes sense that the latest breakthrough artist in Nashville, Conway Amarillo, has Tramadol as the sponsor of his concert tour to promote his new album, You Sawed Off My Love When You Sawed Off That Shotgun.
At least he will have Tramadol as a tour sponsor as soon as he recovers fully from his operation. We spoke to Amarillo in an exclusive interview as he recuperated from emergency surgery at home, taking his Tramadol that very minute…
eDrugstore: Conway, we’re very sorry to hear your wife drove a tractor over you.
Conway Amarillo: Well, thank you – thank you very much. Tramadol has really been a godsend over the pain. And it serves me right, I guess. I was singing a cover version of Tammy Wynette’s D-I-V-O-R-C-E, and I forgot that even though my beloved Ellie May can’t read, she can spell (it’s the darnedest thing). But I still love her. I loved her when she packed me into a freezer and drove my pickup truck into the lake. I loved her when she sewed my eyebrows to my knees in my sleep. And loving her has made me love Tramadol all the more.
eDrugstore: Wow! That is love. Well, these experiences must have made you a real authority on Tramadol. Do you know how Tramadol actually works?
Conway Amarillo: I surely do. Tramadol works differently from other pain narcotics like codeine and morphine. My doc says it acts directly on parts of the brain and spinal cord to reduce the amount of pain – and reduce the size of the pain signal passed from one nerve to another. I’m telling you, it’s essential knowledge when you’re in a stadium of thirty thousand people, singing, Thank God and Greyhound She’s Gone, and your wife steps up behind you with a cast-iron frying pan.
eDrugstore: Umm, yeah, I guess so. You say Tramadol isn’t like other narcotics–
Conway Amarillo: It ain’t a narcotic, so it’s less addictive – not like my sweet Ellie May here (laughs). I’m hooked on her! Ellie May, where you going with my e-lectric guitar and that sledgehammer, darlin’? Bless her heart, she’s always wanted to learn music! Ever since I hit the charts with my version of Get Your Tongue Out of My Mouth, I’m Kissing You Goodbye. You know I think I got a prescription for Tramadol the very next day after I met her. I was doing duet vocals with that cutest little Dixie gal, Norma Sue Lavalumps for I Changed Her Oil, She Changed My Life, and damned if Ellie May didn’t accidentally back the Winnebago right into the recording booth. Oh, how we laughed! But the pain was something fierce. Thank goodness for Tramadol.
eDrugstore: Can you drink alcohol with Tramadol?
Conway Amarillo: Oh, no, you shouldn’t drink booze with Tramadol, otherwise you’ll just get yourself into a real pickle – and that goes as well for any sedatives or tranquilizers or sleeping pills. You shouldn’t take any of them with Tramadol either. But you know ever since I got hitched to my darling Ellie May, I find I don’t need that stuff anymore. I prefer to stay alert and awake as much as possible.
eDrugstore: Well, so how do you take Tramadol?
Conway Amarillo: Oh, you got to listen to your doc. It’s easiest if you just take your Tramadol tablets at the same time every day, and heck, you shouldn’t take more than the dose prescribed and never more than two Tramadol tablets in four hours. You can take Tramadol with food or without food. ‘Course with me, I have to get all my food tasted first, ever since that unfortunate poisoning scare years and years ago. You remember? I threw up in Austin, Texas, just as I was singing Drop Kick Me Jesus Through the Goal Posts of Life. Now who would have thought that you could get botulism from a homemade milk shake? But Ellie May looked it up on the Internet, and she says it’s true. I done increased my life insurance the very next day.
eDrugstore: Maybe we should ask for our readers: are there any side effects to Tramadol?
Conway Amarillo: Heck, son, there are side effects to most prescription drugs, and Tramadol is no different. There are side effects to life! It’s what made me want to do a cover version of Please Bypass This Heart. With Tramadol, you might experience some stomach pain, constipation, diarrhea, agitation, anxiety and feeling sad. But you just go on over and consult the good doctor. And if you love country music the way I do, you don’t mind the problems so much. Even when you wake up some lonesome night and your darling wife is standing over your bed with a nine iron and a peculiar smile on her face. She just loves that night golfing!
eDrugstore: With all that Tramadol has done for you, do you ever think about writing a song about Tramadol?
Conway Amarillo: Yes, sir, I do. And I know it’ll be a classic, because Tramadol deserves nothing less. Any Tramadol song should live up to the great chart toppers that made me want to pick up my e-lectric guitar in the first place – Songs like Her Teeth Were Stained, But Her Heart Was Pure, I Fell in a Pile of You and Got Love All Over Me. And of course, Velcro Arms, Teflon Heart. I’ve been fiddling around and writing some lyrics. Want to hear what I got so far?
eDrugstore: Of course!
Conway Amarillo (singing):
I’ve tried it all, broke it all,
my heart’s been crushed from a deadly fall,
they took my house after the banker’s call,
but my limbs don’t hurt thanks to Tramadol,
Oh, Tramadol, Tramadol–
eDrugstore: Great, great, that’s plenty. So, um, ahem, it’s a work in progress.
Conway Amarillo: Well, yeah. Been dying to know what Ellie May thinks. I should call her on out here. Hey, do you smell something burning?
