Ortho Evra has been a godsend to women as the only skin patch approved by the FDA for birth control.
But did you know that Ortho Evra has also come to the rescue of romance writers? Imagine how awkward it would be if writers had to inject realism into romantic moments without the help of the Ortho Evra patch.
Here are just 4 examples of Harlequin-style love scenes brought to life by Ortho Evra:
I. Ortho Evra: The Suspense Builds
"You’re safe now!" said Dirk as he holstered his Glock 9 mm and gave the Russian gangster another kick in the Kremlins. He pulled Melanie to her feet, and she was turned on by his heroic manliness. "Take me now behind that pile of villains!" she cried. Dirk tore open her blouse and felt her swelling breasts, her areolas like ripe strawberries. There was strong desire in his passionate kisses, longing in his ice-chip blue eyes, and coupons for Red Lobster in his back pocket.
She wanted to cry out in orgasmic release as she freed his engorged manhood from its denim prison. "But I haven’t been wearing my Ortho Evra patch," she remembered. "Do you have a…? Can you put something on?"
Dirk nodded, but as he took out his wallet, searching desperately, his engorged manhood became less engorged. As police rushed in, they could hear the frantic fumbling with a Ramses plastic wrapper behind the bank vault door. Then the thud as Melanie dumped him on his ass and collected her top, refusing his offer to cuddle.
She knew she needed Ortho Evra before the next chapter begins.
II. Ortho Evra and The Need to Go South
Back in Atlanta, Penelope pulled a single string, and the beautiful dress fell like drapery revealing the perfect porcelain skin of an hourglass body encased in leather undergarments. "More than 200 captured Confederate soldiers chewed on the leather of this bustier to make it the softest in Georgia," she boasted. "I know. I was still wearing it at the time!"
Randolph eyed her hungrily as he stripped off his long underwear and handlebar mustache.
"Why, Colonel, I do declare the South shall rise again!" laughed Penelope, as they climbed onto the four-poster bed (it was a bed surrounded by four posters of musicals). "But fiddle dee dee, I don’t have an Ortho Evra patch…"
"You don’t need no patch, darlin’," said Randolph. "I got chewin’ tobacco right here." But before Penelope could explain that it wasn’t that kind of patch she needed and that he really was a bumpkin, the colonel was already pulling the spittoon closer to the bed, killing the mood.
It was times like this when she wished she had kept doing "outcalls" for General Grant’s army. She got out of bed and went to look for her diaphragm. Unfortunately, by the time she got back, Randolph had done it with a lead pipe in the bedroom with Miss Scarlett, that slut who didn’t have a clue.
But, Penelope told herself, "Tomorrow is another day… and another trip to the pharmacy to renew my prescription for Ortho Evra. Because, as God is my witness, I will never be left hungry for sex again!"
III. Ortho Evra and Pure Fantasy
Miranda, having escaped completely naked from the slave-girl pits of Koth-Tar and having steered the ghost ship single-handedly through the Seas of Darkness without a single Clinique product, now assumed her role as queen and claimed her prize — her lover, Prince Suleban Kong.
Suleban Kong: Warrior, Conqueror, Barbarian, and on weekends, Notary Public. He who had such chiseled muscles that she only had to step forward and softly blow to make them ripple. Miranda caressed his six- pack and reached under his loincloth to feel the bar of flesh she knew would respond to her urgent touch. Huskily, she cried out: "I want to ride your donkey, Kong!"
Here in this sumptuous palace with its satin pillows and its curtain of beaded diamonds, she would tame him and make him her own. She told her attendants to leave them as she offered her man a silver goblet of the finest ambrosia. And then she demanded as only a queen could, "Do me right here on the photocopier!" But as his soft lips met hers, she remembered she hadn’t put on an Ortho Evra patch this month. "You’ve got good control, right? I mean you’ll pull out when you need to… you know…"
He made a grunt of assent, nodding, but Miranda’s brow furrowed. It was too much like the grunt of assent barbarians gave when they promised to call you the next day. If only she had picked up an Ortho Evra patch from that pharmacy near the Island of Regrets. Oh how badly she needed Ortho Evra!
IV. Ortho Evra and A Happy Ending
She kissed him hard, feeling her tongue coil with his, and as her eyes closed, she felt the ground fall away beneath her feet. He opened her blouse and cupped her breasts, moving his fingers in tantalizing small circles that drove her wild. She pushed him down on the bed, and he laughed with delighted surprise as she undid his trousers to reach in and feel him. They gazed at each other with a growing recognition of tenderness, a feeling beyond physical want, an intimacy they both had craved for so long.
Then naked except for the Ortho Evra patch, she climbed into his lap and put her arms around his neck. He held her tight, and she felt carried away by a delicious rhythm. She remembered he had asked her once playfully if her friends at the gym ever questioned her about the Ortho Evra patch in the locker room, and she had kissed him and said yes. Now she kissed him long and hard, and she knew the Ortho Evra patch meant there was no need for heated rushes ever again, that they could take their time as they wanted, building, building towards a sparkling intimacy and a trust helped by that modest little patch full of hormones.
